Needless to say that contentment didn’t last. I kept dreaming about Alex. I tried not to, but did you ever try make yourself not to dream about something. it’s probably the surest way of ending up dreaming about it. She really bugged me. She’d gotten under my skin and try as I might she I couldn’t seem to get away from her.
I tried not to let my affliction with Alexandra spoil my relationship with Jasmine, but I don’t think I succeeded. I think Jasmine knew that there was something bothering me and then one Saturday at breakfast I found out for sure.
“Who’s Alex?” Jasmine asked as put her empty coffee cup down.
“Alex?” I looked up from the paper to her.
“You talk in your sleep,” she sat back in her chair and pushed her cereal bowl away from her. “And you always mention a girl called Alex.”
“What do I say about her,” I smiled.
Jasmine kept a straight face. “That she’s gorgeous. and she tastes nice. And that she has very suckable breasts.”
“Oh,” I looked down at the paper again.
Jasmine’s voice softened. “Is she an ex-girlfriend?”
“Yes,” I nodded.
“Is she an ex-lover?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
After a pause Jasmine asked, “Was she special?”
“She was special to me,” I said. “But I wasn’t all that special to her.”
There was silence for a moment.
“Do you still love her,” she spoke very softly.
“Hardly,” I looked up at her, but she was looking away. “She’s a fucked up little bitch that treated me with total and utter contempt.”
“That doesn’t stop you from loving her,” she said.
“Jasmine,” my heart was pounding. “I love you.”
She said nothing.
I lent across the table to touch her, but she was too far away.
“I really do love you,” I said.
She looked at me.
I stood and walked around to her side of the table. Her eyes never left me. I knelt beside her and took hold of her hand.
“I really do love you,” I squeezed her hand. “You’ve got to believe me. I really do.”
“Oh, I know you do,” she put her arm around me and buried her head in my shoulder. “I know you do.”
I hoped that would be the end of it, but as we finished lunch later that afternoon Jasmine brought up the subject again.
“I know a girl called Alex in the Tennis Club,” Jasmine said. “About three inches shorter than me, long black hair, stunning green eyes.”
I recognised her description. “Alex Murphy,” I said.
“Alexandra Murphy,” Jasmine nodded.
I didn’t say anything, just looked down at my empty plate.
There was silence for a few moments then she said, “So she’s your Ex-girlfriend.”
“Yes,” I admitted.
“Well I suppose that will please some of the other girls at the club,” she mused.
“Why?” I looked up.
“There’s a vicious rumour going around that she’s gay,” Jasmine said.
I gulped.
Jasmine smiled, “You seem surprised.”
“Well …” I didn’t know what to say it might explain a lot, but would open up a whole load of other questions. “Maybe that’s why I could never understand her,” I looked at Jasmine. “I might have been asking myself all the wrong questions.”
“It never occurred to you before?” she asked.
“Well,” I smiled. “My macho male ego always thinks that any girl who doesn’t fall instantly in love with me must be gay,” I shrugged, “Else how could she not find me attractive.”
Jasmine laughed.
“But seriously,” I continued. “No, it had never occurred to me.”
“No I don’t think she’s gay either,” Jasmine started to clear away the dishes.
“Oh. Why?” I helped her.
“Well,” she smiled. “She’s never made a pass at me.” She kissed my cheek as I laughed, then started to stack the dishes in the sink.
Over the next few weeks Jasmine managed to get me to tell her the whole story of my relationship with Alexandra. At first I was reluctant to talk about. It was as much that I was unwilling to admit to myself what had happened as it was that I didn’t want to tell her. But as I started to open up to her and explain what had happened it became clearer to me as well. And as I began to understand what had happened I became less uptight about it.
And because Jasmine was there to listen, not judging and not laughing because I’d made a fool of myself, made it easier. In fact I think it made us a lot closer than we had been. I opened up to her in a way that I’d never done with anybody before. And she opened up to me. As the Americans would say it was a very positive growth experience.
The most important parts where the conversations, more like monologues, where I finally pieced together what I had really felt for Alexandra. And once I’d come to terms with my feelings for her I could get on with my life and start loving Jasmine in the way that she deserved.
We where curled up in bed that night when Jasmine brought up the subject of Alexandra again.
“So what did it feel like to snuggle up with Alex like this?” she whispered.
I snorted. “We never slept together,” I squeezed my arm around her.
“What?” Jasmine looked up at my face. “I thought you’d had sex.”
“Oh, we had sex,” I said. “But once we were finished she always kicked me out.”
“Oh,” she said.
“At least, I think we had sex,” I continued.
“What’s that mean, Kevin,” she smiled. “Either you did or you didn’t.”
“Well,” I explained. “I made love to her, but she never made love to me.”
“You mean that she just lay on her back and let you pump away?” Jasmine asked.
“Oh, no. She was on top most of the time.” I smiled, “You know how I like to lie on my back.”
“Well, yes,” she continued with her probing. “But if she was on top doing all the work, why do you say she didn’t make love to you?”
“Well …” I paused, then realised that I had nothing to be ashamed of. “I never got to come.”
“What?” she raised herself on her elbow to look at my face.
“I never got to orgasm,” I said.
She paused for a moment while the thought sank in. Then asked, “How come?”
I looked at her for a moment, then realised that I had nothing to fear from telling her the truth. “I never got to penetrate her.” I couldn’t make out the expression on Jasmine’s face in the dim light. “With my penis, I mean. I make her come with my fingers and tongue,” my voice nearly broke. “But she never really showed any real interest in returning the compliment.”
“Didn’t you ask her?” she said.
“Oh, yes,” I sighed. “I asked her if she’d give me head and she thought the idea was ridiculous. And when I asked her if she wanted to have sex with me she always say no. But every time we got back to her place after a date I’d always end up making love to her.”
Jasmine was silent.
So I continued, “I remember one time having this really weird conversation where she refused to admit that we where having sex.” I shrugged, “I suppose that’s what it boils down to, if we weren’t having sex then she didn’t have to make me come. she didn’t feel that she owed me anything.
“That must have been terrible,” Jasmine voice was so soft I could barely hear it.
“Not really.” I said. “The worst part was the uncertainty,” I slipped my hand down to stroke her breast. “Not knowing what she felt for me. Not being able to figure it out and not being able to get her to tell me.” I shook my head, “I was left in a limbo with all my emotions flying about, unable to get a grip on the situation.”
As Jasmine slipped her leg across my hips she brushed against my penis and I realised that I had an erection. As she sank down on top of me I realised that she was aroused as well. And by the time we’d finished it was the early hours of the morning and we fell asleep in each other’s arms.
The following day we where rushed off our feet buying and installing a new set of kitchen presses and it wasn’t until we’d settled down in bed that we started to talk about me and Alex again.
“I still don’t understand why she did what she did.” I sighed. “What I mean is that it all comes back to why she let me make love to her, when she wouldn’t make love back to me.”
“I think she was trying to give you just enough to keep you coming back for more,” Jasmine reached up to pull my arm around her shoulder and squeezed it.
“So you think she was just toying with me?” I liked the feel of my arm around her and her hand on mine.
“No,” she said. “I think she might really loved you.”
“What !” I was dumbfounded. “That’s not how you act when you love someone.” And yet some part of me really wanted to believe that she had.
“It is if you’re scared of being hurt again,” she said.
I tensed, a feeling of dread coming into my heart at the thought that I could have caused Alexandra pain by loving her.
She looked up at me, “What’s the matter?”
“You’re saying that she thought if I knew that she loved me that I’d use it to take advantage of her,” I didn’t look at her.
She whispered, “Yes.”
“But she still loved me and wanted me,” I said.
“Yes,” she nodded.
“But she couldn’t admit it to me, because that would give me some sort of power over her?” I asked.
“And she couldn’t admit it to herself,” Jasmine explained. “Because then she’d have to open up and trust you and then you could … well use her and hurt her.”
“So instead of me fucking her,” I said. “She made sure she fucked me first.”