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Chapter 17
I woke up in dim light and wondered why Jasmine hadn’t pulled back the curtains. Then I realised I was in a single bed with a warm body pressed close to me. I was wide awake instantly. The memories of last night came flooding into my mind.
“Shit,” I whispered.
Alexandra murmured something in her sleep.
I realised she was naked beside me and I began to get aroused. It was this small betrayal of my heart by my body that forced me to move. As gently as I could I slid out from under her arm and onto the floor. I stood and began searching in the dim light for my clothes.
As I was getting dressed Alexandra woke.
“Good morning,” she smiled at me and stretched lazily under the bed clothes.
I was glad I had my jeans on so she couldn’t see the reaction she caused in me. And I got annoyed that my body betrayed my desire when I’d decided that I didn’t want her any more. I have to admit now that I still wanted her, it was just that I knew that I would be far better off with out her.
“Hi,” I replied. “Did you sleep well?”
“I had a gorgeous time, Kevin,” her eyes were still dreamy.
I pulled my T-shirt on and walked to the sink. “Do you want some coffee?” I had hoped to leave before she woke up. To run away so I’d not have to face her. Now she was awake all I could think of was performing the social niceties.
“Yes please,” she yawned.
She got out of bed as I filled the kettle and padded across to the wardrobe. I took out the coffee and put a couple of spoonfuls into two mugs. When I looked up she was standing beside me in her silk dressing grown. She leaned close to kiss. I lightly kissed her lips.
She put her arms around me and hugged. “Hmmm,” she whispered as she rocked herself against me. “It’s nice to have somebody to make coffee for you in the morning.”
“Maybe you should hire a maid,” I suggested.
“What do I need a maid for when I’ve got you,” she looked up at me.
I smiled and looked away.
Steam was coming out of the kettle. I quickly made the coffee and, taking my mug, sat down at the table.
She looked at me for a moment. Then asked, “Is there something wrong, Kevin?”
I looked away, “I think last night was a mistake.”
“Oh,” she whispered. “why?”
“It didn’t achieve anything,” I explained.
“At least now I know why I love you,” she said.
“You don’t love me, Alexandra,” I put my cup down. “You don’t love me and you don’t understand me.” I shook my head, “And you never will.”
She sat down opposite me and I realised that I didn’t mind her putting the table as a barrier between us.
“There’s a gulf between us which I can not bridge,” I looked at her. “And which I don’t think you can bridge either.”
She said nothing for a moment. “If you want to do something badly enough you’ll always find a way to do it,” she said, quoting form a film we’d seen together.
I nodded, “I agree.” And looked down, “I guess I don’t want to love you badly enough. I’ve got Jasmine and she really loves me. I don’t need you any more.” I looked up at her, “Maybe I never did, I just thought that I did.”
“So where does that leave me?” she was in a state of shock. “After I gave myself to you last night.”
A bolt of anger rose inside me. I wanted to scream. Why is so much emphasis placed on Sex? Why is it so important to keep yourself “pure and chaste” for your future husband? But I didn’t. I suddenly realised that our whole relationship had been fucked up by her believe in the importance of her “giving herself” to someone.
She hadn’t been able to admit her desire for me because she had wanted to keep her virtue intact. Yet she was able to get her desire sated because I wanted to make love to her so much. She couldn’t masturbate or give me head, because that is immoral. So my frustration built up and tore the relationship apart.
Now I couldn’t trust her. Now I couldn’t love her. All because of her sacred virtue.
I looked down. “Like I said before there’s a difference between commitment and sex.” I looked up at her again, “They’re not the same thing.”
She gripped the edge of the table, “You just used me !”
“No, Alexandra,” I kept my voice soft. “You used me. I was always honest about my feelings for you. I never told you I was going to devote my life to you if you had sex with me.” I shook my head, “You were the one who said that you wouldn’t give any commitment to me.”
“All you wanted was to fuck me !” she shouted.
“That’s not true, Alexandra,” I kept my voice normal. “I always wanted a deeper, more committed relationship than you did.” I shrugged, “And now I’ve got it. But it’s not with you.”
“So what was last night about?” she didn’t shout, but she still burned with anger.
“Last night?” I smiled. “Last night was about you wanted to have sex with me. For your own reasons.” I looked down. “And for my own I wanted to have sex with you.”
“And that’s all that it was to you?” she seemed deflated. Her anger had evaporated. “Just Sex?”
“I didn’t feel anything deeper, Alexandra,” I said. “I tried to feel the way I felt on that first night. I tried to feel what I used to feel for you. But I couldn’t. And I don’t think I ever will.”
We were silent for a while.
“And what about Jasmine?” Alexandra looked at me. “Will she forgive you for spending the night with me?”
“No,” I smiled and shook my head. “She won’t forgive me, because I don’t think that she’ll feel the need to forgive me. And I won’t feel the need to ask for it.”
“So you’ll just walk in and tell her that you’ve had sex with me?” it was a rhetorical question.
“No,” I shook my head again. “She already knows that I’ve had sex with you.”
Alexandra smiled her disbelieve.
I smiled back. “You don’t understand.” I leant forward. “It was her idea for us to do this,” I explained. “It was her idea to get rid of all my leftover emotions I felt for you. For me to realise what my true feelings for you .”
I lent back. “And for you to realise what you felt for me.”
“You expect me to believe that she made you have sex with me?” she almost laughed.
“I already said, Alexandra,” I pointed out, “that I wanted to have sex with you.” I started to explain. “Jasmine doesn’t own me and I don’t own her. We’re in love with each other. We decided to share our lives with each other. We’re committed to each other.” I looked straight at her. “And she is not jealous of you. She understands my desire for you.”
“You desire me and you love Jasmine,” she snorted.
I shrugged, “That’s about right.”
She stood up and shouted at me. “Do you expect me to accept that. For you to live with and love and ‘Be committed’ to Jasmine. And for me to be your bit on the side !”
“No,” I stayed seated and kept my voice low. “I expect that we’ll not see each other again.” I looked down, “And I don’t think that we can be friends.”
She realised that I was saying good buy. Slowly she sat down. We sat in silence for a minute or two. I looked at her and she looked at her feet. Finally she whispered, “I want you, Kevin.”
My heart broke. I knew that she meant it. And I started to cry. She came around the table and put her arms around my waist. I hugged her back and we sank onto the floor in each other’s arms. Slowly we rocked back and forward. My tears flowing into her hair, her’s onto my shoulder.
Finally I managed to speak. “I’m sorry Alexandra,” I kissed her ear. “I’m sorry, Alex,” I hugged her. Hard !
Then I pushed her away and stood up. She looked down at the floor as I took my coat off the back of the chair and walked out.
Pages: 1 2
All right.. I’ve got to say that I enjoyed that read quite a bit. It felt like quite a bit of the writing is from the heart, even though the main character shows a pretty good ability and liking for analyzing and rationalizing his feelings; he takes pride in understanding himself as a human being, probably at a level that others don’t.
Quite a bit of the Alexandra part comes across as drivel though.. but it does serve to make the reader feel lucky that, like Kevin, he/she gets to choose not to put themselves through what was foreshadowed, and unlike him, does so and gets out already.
Alexandra has issues and hasn’t given her brain a chance to help her resolve them.
Jasmine totally rocks. Is she real? She’s almost too seductively intelligent and has reached almost too high a level of self-fulfillment to be true.
Well done.
Rico.
Hi Reco
I am that glad you enjoyed reading “Alexandra”.
A lot of Kevin, his feelings and thoughts, did come from within myself; although taken out of context, exaggerated and rearranged for dramatic effect. In my mid to late twenties I started to notice a repeating pattern to my relationships that I did not like and writing this novel was one of the ways that I sorted out in my own mind what I really wanted and needed.
I often feel that Alexandra comes off worst in this novel and always feel that I should write a novel from her point of view. That in some way I owe it to the character. Maybe one day I will get around to it, but not just yet.
As for Jasmine, no she is not real; that was more a case of me inventing a character that I would like to meet and have a relationship with. Or maybe of me projecting the type of person that I would aspire to be; emotionally well balanced, mature and self secure.
– Declan
All I can think is “I am Alexandra”… I was dating a guy for 8 months and then broke up with him for what I thought at the time were perfectly legit and respectable reasons… but now after reading your novel I’m struck by how similar my treatment of him was to the way Alexandra treated Kevin, and now I can see how much I’ve hurt him… I was searching for security and the only way I could feel that was if I was in control. I lied to myself, just as Alexanda did – I told myself I trusted him when really I was controlled by fear of events in my past, fear of not being in cotnrol.
Wow… sorry… diarising on your website! I’m just shocked at how much I related to the characters (not just Alexandra… but understanding the other character’s as well… you said it well in your reply to Reco – “[Jasmine] is the type of person I would aspire to be; emotionally well balanced, mature and self secure”)…
I’m struck by how powerful your novel was… maybe I’m biased by my situation and where I’m at emotionally at the present, but I was just hanging on to find out what happened – why was Alexandra such a cow? How deeply did it affect Kevin? How would he react? What would he tell her???
As much as I hate cliches… I just cant’ express it any other way but to say it’s been scarily cathartic reading your novel and it’s given me a whole new perspective on my previous relationship, an insight that I don’t think I”d have gotten elsewhere! Thank you for writing it… even though I don’t think you had relationship counselling in mind when you put it together!!!
I need to go think… I’m emotionally exhausted! (and I think that’s the mark of a truly good story – one that engages your audience at a deeper level than mere entertainment).
End diary entry…!
Marissa
Hi Marissa, thanks for the great comment.
I am always relieved when people tell me that they understand the character of Alexandra. I am always afraid that by writing the story in Kevin’s voice that the other characters (Alexandra and Jasmine) would not be shown as full three dimensional people.
I didn’t want Alexandra to be just “a cow” I wanted my readers to know that she acted the way she did because of her own insecurities and that she was in as much emotional turmoil as Kevin was.
As for relationship counseling; in a way I did have that in mind, as when I started this novel I was working through a whole lot of emotions of my own. But then the story itself took over and the whole thing snowballed into Kevin’s story.
I’m not so sure about this one. I really liked it at first, but by the time I finished, I couldn’t help but feel that I’d wasted time… I don’t know… Why does this guy cry so much? He cries more than I do, and I’m a recent divorcee who’s only child just left the house for college across country. The over all plot wasn’t that convincing. Personally, if I was with a guy who only thought about himself getting off, I’d dump his ass quick. And what’s up with this Jasmine character? No woman in thier right mind would tell the “love of their life” to go fuck another woman to see if he still loves her. Just my opinion…
Great read. I’m sooo glad that he got together with Jasmine in the end. Did you incorporate yourself in to this story? Not necessarily meaning you ARE Kevin, but do you have mirroring attributes? It took me 2 hours to read this story, and it was honestly the best two hours I’ve spent on a computer.
Juliette
I am two in minds about Kevin as well. Half the time I think that he has a point and that he was hard done by, the other half I just want to kick him and tell him to grow up and get a life.
As for Jasmine sending Kevin back to Alexandra: it was a case of “If you love somebody set them free, if they come back to you they will love for forever, if they don’t then they never really loved you in the first place.” Jasmine knew that he had unresolved issues and needed him to work through them before she could know that he really did love her.
Kate
I am so glad that you liked my novel enough to sit at your computer for two hours straight to read it.
I did incorporate a lot of myself in Kevin, or rather the core motivations and ideas that drive Kevin originated within me, and my observations of myself and my relationships, but obviously I exaggerated and dramatised them. But then the same can be said of Alexandra, or indeed any character I might create. The initial ideas come from within myself, but once the character starts to develop they gain a voice of their own and become distinct from myself(if that makes sense).
may we expect more? need some sensuel novel on d theme of adultery in politician, diplomates & corporate bigshot’s life.
It dragged out a little and at times. I was lost wondering if he is ever going to sleep with Alexandra. It keep me hanging on each word, each syllabus to know what is going to happen next. It sounds something that was based on real experience.
Truly, felt it was from the heart, the anguish and the tremendous pain of not knowing who and why we fall in love.
Moving forward, a little disappointing was the issue of love and lust. I feel lust, everyone does. But, Mr.Stanley, I am a typical Indian women raised in a normal traditional family value in Asia, where self respect and virginity matters in our culture. Yes, I would agree people do not appreciate it anymore or there is no true meaning for the husbands to expect a wife to be a virgin, but to the small group who does, it does matters. It matters to me mostly. Temptation are laughing at our faces all the time, esp. being well educated and stable and to mingle with those non-virgin friends and one night stands are a high risk but I do enjoy it all the same, it keeps the pulse going and to see on the level of tolerance I can fight the urges. I haven’t scum to it yet, but who knows? If I ever found someone like Kevin who loves you enough to give yourself
But then, a book is truly to be enjoyed. It tells a men and a women that loving someone is going to be painful as it is sweet. It is a risk but at times it can turn out to be the best moment in life. I guess it takes some bad relationship to point us the good once, so we would appreciate the love and the life our partner is offering and give all we have to make it work. A mark on the religion and beliefs might have been setback for some, but I don’t see it in such. I loved the novel as much as I felt every single heartbeat of the love around Kevin and Jasmine.
It took me 2 days to finish as I was reading it on and off, but i think it was worth the time. And, I did enjoy each and every bit of the sexual encounters too. It really turns you on
Thank You.
Thank you, Kasturi, for a very fine comment.
I am glad that you felt the emotions of my novel, both the lust and the love aspects. The story was based on real experience, not so much the actual physical scenes that happen in the novel, but on the emotional level. It was indeed written “from the heart”.
I am glad that the sex scenes turned you on, and also that you felt the emotions of the characters. That is why I call my work “Literary Erotica”. I want the reader to be moved on an emotional level by the characters as well as being aroused by the sex scenes. I believe that if I can put the reader “in the shoes” of the characters and make them feel the emotions, as well as see the physical acts, described in the sex scenes that the sex scenes will be even more powerful than just showing the surface physical acts as you would find in pornography.
Great story even though it dragged on a bit. Spelling could improve
Thanks John
Spelling has always been my weak point
Great start for an aspiring writer.I am into writing too..not exactly romantic.This novel is well framed ,I think because its an anecdote.For the fictions also same aura of writing would do magic.When r u geting it published.
Thank you, Shailesh, for your positive comments. I am glad that you liked my story.
As to when I am getting it published, the answer is as no traditional published thinks there is a market for it I have decided to publish it myself as a downloadable ebook.
(Tragically) I’ve seen a lot of the situations you describe and I hope I am not totally screwed by it now. I am still not able to understand Alexandra, but I am too very glad, Marissa can. It makes me feel less abused by one or two of my less successful tries of building a relationships.
The moment Alexandra tries to explain why she is that way is a very strong one for me, because when I was faced with a similiar situation, I did want to know. It ended in a very deep relationship that lasted for more than 5 years, but I invested a lot of my strength to build up my partner. Which she obviously was able to cherish – but when I needed to regain some strength she (maybe unconsciously) called for more and more and I delivered. The relationship began to crumble, she found another one with whom she could share her problems* with and decided I wasn’t “strong enough to handle her” (nearly exact quote, it was in german though) and dumped me for him. It left me devasted and it took me nearly another five years to digest the whole thing. Looking back, ten years I would have liked to invest in a another partner, but I maybe would not be, where I am now and I am not complaining about my current location and position.
Anyway a very good read, I’d love to share with some friends but can’t since their proficency of english is probably not good enough.
——————-
*(or rather she chose not to share _her_ problems, since I guess he doesn’t know a lot or even any, but has strong emotionally problems of his own)
I have to say that that was the most frustrating book I ever read. It was slow at first but as the chapters progressed the topics and thoughts put in to it became more intricate. I am not Alexander but I know for a fact that I used to be Kevin. I think that the reason I got so frustrated was because I saw so much of myself and my past relationships in this book. I stumbled upon this site randomly and I am really happy I did. I just might have some of my friends visit the site and read this incredible story.
Wow, I fell in love with a girl who treated me very much like Alex. And now, 4 years and several relationships later, she still haunts my dreams occasionally. I don’t think she ever loved me back, really, even though she admitted to me that she thought she could love me…she just chose not to! By the way, I enjoyed your writing style. I am about thirty thousand words into my first fiction work, inspired partly by the heartache of that relationship…interesting.
Hi Gerome, it was only after I wrote this novel that I realised that other people also had relationships like this. So in a way writing this was somewhat therapeutic for me.
Good luck with your own novel, and let me know when you get it finished.
I am a slow reader but I got through it. Beautifully orchestrated and developed. So many thoughts about Alexandria as to why she was the way she was. I think Kevin was blinded by the beauty of her and wanted and wished for more than she wanted to give or commit. An anology of this would be like a virgin sailor going into town on leave and sees a lovely and lonely hooker, has a beautiful time with her, goes back to the ship and dreams of marrying her. Head over heals ! I saw Kevin like this. Obviously very immature and Alex it comes out, is carrying a lot of baggage. She should have had a girl friend to talk this over with.
And Jasmine has got to be the most perfect model of a wife to desire for any man. Wisdom and understanding far above Kevin’s. Instead of ignoring what Kevin was going through, she addressed it. As a woman, I don’t see how Jasmine could live with Kevin’s thoughts going to another woman in his sleep despite what he says. In bed you developed her perfectly well, sensitive, erotic, loving, caring, absolutely the dream girl.
Going back to see Alex was a stroke of genius. What happened at the table was well put together. Alex is not ready for marriage. And in a way, neither is Kevin. Their emotions in bed is getting in the way! I kept wondering if Kevin would really do a last fling of all flings. But somehow, you just knew that they would. Would it give them both the answers to end all of this? What was gained by the last fling?? You just knew it would not end or be over at the table and just walk away. Her and Jasmine lived too close together and had some of the same friends. Beautiful !
In the end, I thought it was rather short and abrupt. Does it mean she will not marry him now but maybe later? Is she going to babysit him to be the best novel writer and help make him successful and then what? Maybe there needs to be some time to go by before they tie the knot and get this Alex thing behind them both.
Too little too late for Alex. What did she hope to gain? Two years?! And now she is going all the way? I think from what she did to Kevin and not communicate with him, Kevin deserves this one last fling to totally have her. Almost like a payment to pay Kevin back. But too late. Two years wasted. Kevin was being dumb and immature. Too many really big decisions are made in bed. Very well done
Allan
thank you for a very thoughtful comment. I am glad that you under stood my characters. Kevin had an immature understanding of love, Alex had baggage and sometimes I think I made Jasmine too perfect.
As for the ending I ended the story because Kevin’s involvement with Alex ended, after all the book is titled “Alexandra”